I say breakdown, but it was really just me crying into my cheddar bay biscuits at Red Lobster while dining with my mom that evening. I proclaimed that I am not me without cereal. (This is a 100% true story, sadly.)
In short, I am very frustrated.
I feel like I don't know what to do and I don't know how to change.
I keep wanting the same things year after year after year, and wind up empty handed in December. I have been dwelling on the things I expressed that were moving me to tears at my Red Lobster emotionfest. Maybe If I can break them down a little I can get to a root of something or find a workaround to my logical conclusion that I am destined to be fat and unhealthy.
I proclaimed that I don't want to live in a world where I can't have dessert, or eat out. Hear me out, because I know that the #1 cliche in dietland is that you are allowed to treat yourself sometimes. The host of a podcast I had been listening to for a while had lost over half her weight, which awesome. There is always a 'but' though, this woman maintains her weight by basically eating how she diets with maybe an extra piece of fruit per day. Oh, and she works out two hours a day, six days a week. A reddit forum I was reading asked - how often do you indulge in desserts? It was more common than not to hear the response - my birthday ONLY. Not only do I crave a dessert daily, which I admit is too indulgent, but I get immense joy from baking. It is my zen space, it challenges me, it is how I show love. The reality of several weight loss success stories feels like the two can't coexist. And it breaks my heart.
It is not lost on me that the fact that I feel an emotional wound from this just goes to show how dysfunctional my relationship with food can be.
I feel part of it is that I just love food in a major way and it is a large source of my happiness. I love a good meal, I love a good restaurant, I love breaking bread with my friends and family, I love trying indulgent recipes, and I love the feeling of being full. It is like a hug from the inside. Emotional eater, much? So if I have to change all that, it feels like I will be giving up a whole lot that makes me happy. And don't I deserve to have some meager sense of happiness? Drama queen, much?
So I cried it out, and talked myself off the ledge I was on. Many of my logical conclusions aren't based in reality, and I get that. It will take me some time and work to rethink my ideas about food. Platitudes and cliches don't do it for me, I have an excuse or idea about all of them and how they are wrong for me, or just wrong in general.
It is funny how a mental crisis can bring you down, then you get actually health crisises and realize what an actual fool you really are.
Here is the story of how I couldn't catch a break over Christmas break. (tl,dr warning.)
December 20th. I went to my endocrinologist appointment and my A1C was higher (?!) this time when I was on medication for blood sugar control, than last time when I was on NOTHING. So what on earth is up with that, body? She wants me to take a drug called Trulicity, which is an injection once a week but gnarly side effects. I don't want to start this until after the holidays so I can indulge. I cleaned out an old purse and found half a bottle of Invokana which I used to take until it started giving me recurring lady infections. I figure, taking this for the week should be okay and keep my numbers down before I start the Trulicity. Cool.
December 22nd. I am pulling a tray of sugar cookies out of the oven, and I feel a pop(?) ((it wasn't exactly a pop, but I don't know how else to describe it)) and cue the back pain. I have had back trouble in the past, but it was usually following something strenuous like lifting boxes all day when moving apartments. I ice it, I take the ibuprofen and consider myself out for the day.
December 23rd. I am still feeling the hurt, but I manage to complete a few confections by rolling around in an office chair. We had a Christmas party to attend that evening and I could not go empty handed. Well at the party, I held my adorable yet heavy baby cousin for some time, back to square one with the back injury on Christmas Eve.
December 24. I am living on pain killers, don't bake a thing. This is making me sad because I bought a huge amount of baking supplies that are going to go unused. I am the baker, so I usually bake treats for any party I attend, my office, my mom's Christmas Eve gathering, and Christmas for my family in Austin. I love it and am happy to do it when I am feeling good, but I just couldn't. I was scared there wouldn't be enough treats for everyone. (Fat people fears, lol) We make it to church services and mom's Christmas Eve. Of course this year we got everyone a huge crockpot, a grill for my mom, and basically everything huge sized and heavy we could imagine. So I got Aaron to mostly lift the heavy stuff but alas.
December 25. Christmas! I am feeling a little better but still being cautious. Aaron has come down with a killer cold so he opts to stay home and not go to Austin with us. Aaron is highly allergic to everything in the air in Austin, so it would have made a bad situation worse I'm sure. So that kind of stunk. It was a nice time and I spent a good deal of the day sitting and resting. There were plenty of treats :)
December 26. Back is at about 75%, I catch Aaron's cold, and wake up to the the worst lady infection of my life. Thanks, Invokana, you jerk.
December 27-30 Fighting the cold, back still isn't 100%, lady area is in repair.
December 30 Happy Birthday to me! I have to go to the CVS minute clinic to get drops for pink eye, which came out of nowhere?? Also got meds for coughing, which hasn't relented. Come home from b-day celebration, start the Trulicity shot.
Jan 1 Trulicity side effects in full force - violently, I mean violently barfing in the middle of the night. Also coming out the back side. Lord, help me!
Blah Blah
January 3rd - the cold is finally gone, my back is still kinda bugging me, and I am scared to eat much of anything which is great for my weight loss goals!
TL,DR - I am usually quite healthy and these last weeks have been nothing short of hell. It puts it in perspective that maybe eating dessert every night isn't worth the extra pounds contributing to debilitating back pain. Maybe eating badly is what causes these drug side effects to be nightmares?(yes.) Maybe if I eat better and lost weight I wouldn't have to be on these medications which wreck your system and cost a lot of money. (yes.) And then maybe my immune system would be able to handle a little cold and not knock me on my butt for like 5 days.
When I think about my health, I think of those Looney Toons scenes where a train is heading full speed into a mountain with a tunnel cleverly painted on. My attitude is that painted tunnel, but the reality is I am speeding towards disaster. There is still time to hit the breaks or change tracks to avoid the crash. After this wake up call of illness week, I feel a new motivation to change for the better.
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